Post by Saria-chan on Mar 23, 2008 14:57:07 GMT -5
I hate bringing up subjects from the past, but that's two strikes for me this weekend, and if I don't say something now it probably won't be the last.
Guys, I'm a diva. It's no secret to me, it's probably no surprise to any of you, but I'm a d**n diva. Usually lately I can keep it to myself, but when I'm depressed, like starting yesterday, I'm cranky and my temper is worse than usual. Stupid things will set me off and then I just cannot seem to make myself word things better or just shut up entirely. I hate that. I hate upsetting people, and I hate not really having a way to explain myself which is usually what happens to me after somebody points out I'm being pregnant dogy.
There are two more parts to this. After I've realised that I really shouldn't have said what I did, I feel really guilty and I try to apologize for it, and I have this fear in the back of my mind that I'm going to be shunned because of what I said. That's what happened to me several times with some old "friends" of mine in high school. Yes, that was high school. Yes, those people were manipulative and abusive. But the fear is still there. That's why I freak out so much when this happens and the chat goes quiet or nobody talks to me.
Then when I finally do end up talking it out, once everything's passed, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I feel like I haven't really been forgiven and that if I open my mouth one more time everything's going to start all over again, or worse, I'll completely lose everybody's friendship. We've established this; I'm paranoid. I'm oversensitive. I take things too personally.
I really am truly sorry about today and yesterday. I know I'm overreacting. But this is how I roll, and as much as I try to change it keeps happening. I don't expect you guys to coddle me, I just want to get it out there so you at least know where I'm coming from. I am trying to work on it. That's why I get so freaked out when this happens.
I love you all and I hate getting you mad or upset or whatever at me.
Guys, I'm a diva. It's no secret to me, it's probably no surprise to any of you, but I'm a d**n diva. Usually lately I can keep it to myself, but when I'm depressed, like starting yesterday, I'm cranky and my temper is worse than usual. Stupid things will set me off and then I just cannot seem to make myself word things better or just shut up entirely. I hate that. I hate upsetting people, and I hate not really having a way to explain myself which is usually what happens to me after somebody points out I'm being pregnant dogy.
There are two more parts to this. After I've realised that I really shouldn't have said what I did, I feel really guilty and I try to apologize for it, and I have this fear in the back of my mind that I'm going to be shunned because of what I said. That's what happened to me several times with some old "friends" of mine in high school. Yes, that was high school. Yes, those people were manipulative and abusive. But the fear is still there. That's why I freak out so much when this happens and the chat goes quiet or nobody talks to me.
Then when I finally do end up talking it out, once everything's passed, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I feel like I haven't really been forgiven and that if I open my mouth one more time everything's going to start all over again, or worse, I'll completely lose everybody's friendship. We've established this; I'm paranoid. I'm oversensitive. I take things too personally.
I really am truly sorry about today and yesterday. I know I'm overreacting. But this is how I roll, and as much as I try to change it keeps happening. I don't expect you guys to coddle me, I just want to get it out there so you at least know where I'm coming from. I am trying to work on it. That's why I get so freaked out when this happens.
I love you all and I hate getting you mad or upset or whatever at me.
